i can't sleep...

Richard went to bed over an hour ago - probably closer to two...I stayed up and watched Fergie on Oprah and then Real World...you have to be really desperate to watch Real World instead of sleep but I'm just not tired. All day I've struggled to keep a smile on my face - my stomach hurts a lot today and I took a pain pill this evening but it's not doing a whole lot...I've been having bad dreams...I am frustrated today. Frustrated for so many reasons I don't even want to get into tonight, but safe to say - it's a lot of different things.

The highlight of the day was going to Bonefish ($5 Bang Bang Shrimp night!) with Melanie, Rob & Abigail after work (I needed that!)! They are truly so sweet and so much fun to be around - we only were together a little over an hour but it was good to laugh, catch up and just relax (the Blue Moon helped!)

I'm still just trying to figure out everything in my life - my job, my infertility, our next steps, my pain that I feel on a constant basis, most recently - my foot that throbs at times, la di da di da dee da and so on...the list goes on & on. I've been keeping a journal since I was little - sometimes I hardly write at all (for months at a time it seems)  but lately I've been better about writing in it so I can keep track of things.

I need to learn to relax...in general. I have a hard time with it - I don't know what it is...even when I was off work for 3 entire months - I struggled to relax...even if I was just watching Modern Family, my mind was still racing...or I was doing laundry, doing my 365 project, writing in my journal etc. You would think I should be good at relaxing by now but the only times I am truly relaxed and feel at peace is when I'm on the beach - and I'm walking along the sand or just sitting by the ocean and can completely let my mind go blank and just focus on the here & now. I'm trying to do that more in real life - not just at the beach (because let's be honest - I can't live sitting at the beach - oh if only I could win the lottery!) - but in every day - when I head into work and sit in traffic, when I struggle with something, when I'm home.

I'll leave you with a picture of this past week - since I'm not posting my 365 project online anymore (it's just too annoying on blogger to do it that way in my opinion) and if you want to see it - I'd rather you see it in real life because it's so much better! I have thought about doing the digital version of the book next year but there's something about having it in hand to look back on that I truly enjoy. Tonight I sat down and just went through the entire first few months of the year and smiled - I love capturing those little moments in life and being able to flip through them anytime I want.

This is from the Derby Party at mom & dad's over the weekend - I love being able to see my sister - I truly miss her more than I can express (we actually skyped for over an hour this week which I needed!) - it's just great we can wear fun hats & have fun together!