"It's a mess in there..."

...That was what Dr. Thomas said today about the inside of my stomach. He said that because of my ruptured appendix years ago, there is so much scar tissue in there that it's pretty much a complete mess. He said he did his best to cut a lot of it up as much as he can, but that doesn't mean that it won't re-attach to itself and cause me more problems in the future.

He brought pictures in to explain all of it to me (since I was in recovery when he was telling mom & Richard about it all at the hospital) - he told me that the inside off my uterus has more tissue than he would like to see in someone that's taking birth control, so we're going to change my birth control starting on Sunday. It will have more estrogen in it - so hopefully that will cut down on the tissue inside my uterus.

He said my incisions look fine from the surgery and what's bothering me the most is probably the "super glue" like stuff they close the incisions with - so that'll go away hopefully soon {insert smiling from me for when it all feels normal again}. We didn't do an ultrasound because he said "You probably don't feel like that today, do you?" I go back after we get back from vacation in Florida to do an ultrasound, make sure the cyst is still gone and make sure we're ready to go with IVF when we're ready.

It was a frustrating day at the office because he was running behind and it's not fun to wait - but at the end I got to talk to Judy one of my favorite IVF nurses about timing/next steps so she was very sweet. In case anyone wants to know what Dr. Thomas looks like - here he is - very friendly/funny doctor - I really do like him a lot! (He's kind of making a funny face in the picture below but that's pretty much what he looks like!) I always comment on what he's wearing because he has lots of silly ties - but you can only see part of it since he wears his lab coat all the time - I know I'm in very capable hands!

1 week later - finally feeling better (and a side on infertility books)

I can honestly say today is the first day I feel more like myself & I'm truly feeling better - 1 week after my surgery date.

Yesterday afternoon was the last time I took any pain medication and I slept for 12 hours last night - I would say my body is exhausted. I'm still pretty sore (especially in bottom scar) but I can pretty much do anything I want to do now with little discomfort. I just do it a lot slower...one thing that's probably good for me from time to time. I'm someone that really enjoys being on the go and doing lots of different things - but lately, I can't walk any faster than I can walk - like if the house was burning down, I'm not sure I could RUN anywhere...I walked successfully last night around the entire 1 mile block with Richard & Sally and I think Richard and Sally both were like "Come on mom - can you move any faster?" but they were both really good about walking slow with me...I just told Richard "I can't walk any faster than this." Again - I'm looking at this as a positive because sometimes I need to just slow down, enjoy the ride and smell the roses.

Today I had lunch with a good friend that's going through infertility stuff too - it was good to talk with someone that is going through it (with the same practice that I'm going to) and be able to say "Do you ever feel like this?" and her to go "Yes!" :) It's very sweet to have such a large support system - from family, friends, co-workers (past & present), and even IVF bloggers. I have a friend that I met on one of the IVF blogs (we cycled together the first time) that just had a baby (baby Liam - love the name!) and he was born at 2 lbs...he's doing ok but I get updates from her most days and I really look forward to hearing from her - for those of us going through IVF treatment, while it's sometimes hard to attend baby showers etc, hearing success stories after IVF really makes it feel like it's all worth it & one day it will be our turn to enjoy our little baby boy or girl. I also just got a text from a friend who found out that it's the end of the infertility road with her and her husband - it's just not fair...sometimes I just hear things and it hurts my heart for those that I care about. I certainly know how my friends/family feel about "I don't know what to do" but just being there & being willing to listen if they need you is all you really can do. I'm very open about my infertility now - it's helped me - be able to talk about it without crying, be able to help people understand what Richard & I are going through, and it's also allowed me to meet so many incredible and strong women. Never in my wildest dreams would I have believed that I would get excited about hearing from someone 3000 miles away about her newborn baby (someone I've never even met!) - but it happens and it is really neat.

I just got done reading a book - "the infertility survival handbook" and it's about a woman that's gone through chlomid, IUI's, IVF and still none of it worked and she and her husband ended up adopting a little baby boy! So many times the books are written by women who eventually gave birth and ended up having the fertility treatments work - I like hearing from a woman's perspective where it hasn't worked (yet) and while she might try again with IVF or she may never try again, she writes the book in a different tone than most - I truly enjoyed her perspective and am glad Borders in Deerfield was having that sale on books :).

For those of you that wonder - I've read TONS of IVF & infertility books - I've even read books on surrogacy and adoption (as those are our next steps) - and some of them help a lot more than others. One I want to recommend to anyone who knows someone they care about going through IVF or find themselves going through IVF is IVF: The Wayward Stork (this is the Amazon site where I bought it - you're more than welcome to borrow my copy for any length of time!) - I gave it to family/friends to read when I first started going through everything and it really helps explain in very simple terms what IVF is, but it also tells about the emotional side of it - there's a part that is called "How to instruct your inner circle" and it is one of the most helpful 2 pages of any book!

Didn't realize I was going to go on & on about IVF books etc. but that's just what was on my mind today - fertility stuff - and I wanted to share. I've learned that through doing this on blogger and writing on a blog, I can have all this information saved in one place and share it with others if they need it! Kind of cool to click on "IVF" on the side and see all my postings that I've had recently - still not sure about how the best way to do everything is - but I'm learning & it is fun!

Thanks to anyone who's out there reading along with me! For the record - I added the picture up top AFTER I did the entire post - I thought it needed something and I had seen that shirt the other day and just thought it fit! It does suck - but I try to focus on the good things that have come out of it!

365 Tuesday

This week has not been my favorite, to be honest - I had surgery on Friday to remove an ovarian cyst, so while I'm glad it's behind me, it's taken a toll on life!

Happy Fat Tuesday - I bought a King Cake to go with the day - this was the day we found out I needed surgery on Friday so this was the best I could do that day!

Wednesday, I had another doctor's appointment and Richard & I had errands to run up north, so he surprised me with taking me to my favorite bagel place (Marx Hot Bagels) and it was so yummy! A great reminder that I truly have an amazing husband - he knew just what I needed that day!

Thursday, March 10th was a busy day - it was my friend Amy's son Sammy's birthday (1 year old!) and my niece Kalysta's 11th birthday! I stopped up to see Amy & her kiddos (sweet tea was involved - of course!) - and then went to Pizza Tower with Kalysta, Amanda, Ethan, Nancy & Jr while Richard worked. It was snowing on Thursday and kind of a mess going home - but a fun day!

Friday March 11th was surgery day so I made a collage of some of the not so funness of surgery - IV's, pictures afterwards of what everything looked like, stupid compression sock things they make you wear etc. Needless to say, glad this day's behind me!

March 12th was my dad's 55th birthday but my picture of him is on my big Canon, and I haven't taken those pictures off (I need to do that before I forget!) - this is a picture from Richard going to Kalysta's birthday party (Justin Bieber themed!) and he made the comment "Justin Bieber was everywhere"...I was bummed I had to miss it because I was yet to miss a birthday party of my niece or nephew but I was in no shape to go anywhere on Saturday - that was by far my worst day!

Like I said, all I've done for the past few days is sit around and relax - so my sister came to visit yesterday but I haven't gotten those pictures off the camera yet either so this is my "Sunday" picture and represents the last few days of my life - just sitting around watching friends. My mother-in-law asked if I just watch them over and over again and I'm like "pretty much...I love them" :) I also know that I need a pedicure as soon as I feel up to it!

Next week I'll have more photos because I'll get them off all the cameras and be ready to go - hope everyone has a great week!

After Surgery Post

Surgery went well on Friday - doctor took out my cyst (said it was just clear fluid which was good) and also removed a few adhesions (scar tissue type things) which should hopefully help with some of my abdominal problems I complain of from time to time.

The day of surgery I was pretty out of it, the car ride from Christ to home was longer than ever and mom & Richard was such troopers through it all. Richard had a long night the night before at work so he slept part of the time in the waiting room. Mom made sure he was listening for the pager to go off when I was ready to be seen again. When I got home I slept for a bit and then got up to mom, dad & Richard trying to get ahold of the doctor because the pain pill prescription wasn't written correctly. Once we got that squared away, dad went to CVS to wait for it and I just waited patiently for my drugs! :)

Some things to note about the picture above that I'd like to call out / share with you:
- Mom & Richard were awesome and at my side through the entire thing - one stepping in while the other was doing something else - such a strong support system!
- I bought a Superman shirt to wear for my surgery day the day before at Wal-Mart, it's super comfy and just made it a little more fun to go in!
- They gave us pictures of what my insides look like - they did it for the tube removal too but this time it was only a page and there isn't much fun on it (at least from what I can tell!)
- They made me wear these compression type sock things for 24 hours after my surgery to keep the blood from clotting until I was up and moving again (never seen it before but they said it's new)
- When I felt like I was going to throw up, they soaked this thing in peppermint oil and taped it to me - I had that on for a good 24 hours after my surgery too - Richard claimed our entire master bedroom smelled like peppermint but hey - at least I didn't throw up!
- I was a lot happier before they put my IV in and gave me drugs - ha!
- Emily brought down dinner & flowers while we were at the hospital so it was all waiting for us when we got home - that was so sweet of her!!

All in all, I'm glad to have the surgery behind me and very happy that I'm starting to feel better and not be in as much pain. It was painful to get up & down for the first few days so it feels good to feel a little more normal now. I'm still frustrated I'm going through this / it's hard sometimes to know everything I've been through to get to this point. I try to stay positive, remember that I'm doing this all to start a family with the man I love and that we will get through it stronger than ever - but I can't just help feeling down from time to time. It just wasn't supposed to be like this - never in my wildest nightmares did I think it would be such a struggle to have a baby...never. And sometimes that just makes me plain angry. It doesn't help to hear that there's some master plan - it doesn't help to hear that one day it will work out - it doesn't help to hear that things happen for a reason - because whatever the reason is that I've been through all of this sucks. No way around it - it's just been frustrating and sad.

I hope I can look back soon and say "This was all worth it - every last surgery, procedure, shot, bad day, teardrop..." but until that day, it's going to be hard sometimes...I know that...and I'll work through it.

Morning of Surgery Thoughts

Today is Friday, March 11th and I'm sitting here trying not to think about how thirsty I am or that my stomach just wants a bowl of cereal! Doctor's orders that I couldn't eat or drink anything past midnight last night (except the water to brush my teeth/take my birth control pill) - needless to say I'm parched since I'm used to drinking SO much water!!

Last night I had Invictus on Netflix so I put that in and started watching it (Richard had no desire to watch it) but it put me to sleep on the couch downstairs and I woke up around 11:45 to go to bed...I'll put that back in the mail and look forward to some romantic comedy to come in a few days for me to watch.

Yesterday I stopped by Borders in Deerfield - they're going out of business so I got a bunch of new magazines for half off and a book on infertility - successful trip in my opinion! I also went to Wally World and bought a Superman shirt to wear today - just felt like I needed something funny to put on this morning/something to look forward to.

My surgery is scheduled for 1:30, we're going to leave here (Richard, mom & me) at 10:45 to get there by 11:30 for my check-in. I'm ready to get it overwith but not looking forward to getting the IV put in, getting ready and waiting...waiting is one of my least favorite things to do, and you do a lot of it with infertility treatments so one day maybe I'll be used to it!

I sent out an email yesterday to folks letting them know details and that Richard would update after my surgery - bear with us because Richard didn't get much sleep last night, they had 2 houses go up in flames around 11:30 last night in Covington, and he didn't get to sleep until around 5. :( It's been a long night and he didn't want to go back to bed this morning for such a short period of time knowing that he would probably wake up with a headache.

Other than that, not much going on - I got most of the laundry done, house is clean & my spot on the couch is set-up with a my pillow, grandma's quilt and reading material for when I get home...hopefully the surgery won't take too long/everything will go ok. Here's hoping....

365 Project (a bit early!)

As I sit down to type this entry, I'm kind of nervous about my doctor's appointment tomorrow but ready to get it overwith so I know if I have to have surgery (again!) - let's hope not! Richard's working so I spent most of the day with mom & dad and got to visit with them. I love days like this - relax, walk the dog, massage & chiro appointment, errands, hang out with mom & dad, relax at home by entering a 31 order - typical day in the life-o-Ashley! I thought I would share some picture over the past week with you - enjoy!

March 2nd - On facebook, I'm doing a 30 day challenge (

 http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2430898&id=21407106&l=7fd98d4c52 ) - each day is something different (ie. someone you'd like to trade places with for a day - I picked Heidi Klum!) :) This day I took a picture of my most prized item - and it's a quilt from my grandma. It was my grandma & grandpa's first quilt on their bed and I treasure it!

Sally LOVES to get Richard's helicopter - it's hilarious to watch her attack it and have fun with it. This day I took tons of funny pictures but this is one of my favorites...Sally ready to go and Richard getting ready and trying to keep her back with his leg. I had Ellen on the TV so it was funnier when Ellen was on but I'll have to settle for this silly ad on the TV for the pic of the day!

Kalysta & I met Crystal & Caleb for a dinner at Red Robin - had a great time!!

Kalysta & I went to paint pottery at Color Me Mine in Crestview Hills - she hates having her picture taken but I love looking back at them so I'm glad I got a half way decent smile out of her (or should I say my dad the picture taker did!)

Nancy & Amanda are my 2 latest 31 hostesses!! They had a very successful party at Nancy's shop and Amanda has fun new hair!

Tonight was Red Robin (and Kmart) night with mom & dad - dad's double fisting it with a beer and strawberry milkshake - he cracks me up!! Love spending time with them!

Looking forward to seeing what the next week has to bring for pictures - stay tuned!!

Project Life Tuesday (365 Project)

Went out with mom & dad to dinner at Longhorn - we forgot to take a picture when we were at the restaurant so we took one as they were dropping us off back home!

Ate with Lynn at Pasquale's - as she was getting in her car I said "Lynn, smile, I need a picture of the day!"

Richard & I went to the Rave to see "Just Go With It" with Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler. It was a good flick but Richard thought $8 for matinee prices was a little expensive - HA!

Jessica's first 31 party / kickoff was on Friday - she is so sweet and it was nice to meet her family/friends!

Happy 1st Birthday to Caleb Matthew Hatfield - this was my favorite shot of the day - he is just having so much fun!

On the way back home (from Crystal's and Kelli's 31 party) we met the Boyle's at Montgomery Inn) - as Rob says "This pretty much sums it up!" :) I love spending time with them!

Tax day with H&R block and talking with Jeneal about insurance - good thing we broke everything up with a visit to my favorite chicken salad place - Chef's Cafe on Fields Ertel - it is SO yummy!

Met Marthe at Chipotle on Fountain Square downtown for dinner tonight - always good to catch up with her and see how her life is going! We finally got a decent picture after many attempts.

It's been a rough week just because I'm still in pain with my cyst - I go back to the doctor in exactly 1 week to see if it's gone (I can tell you it's still there!) - and if it is, then we'll schedule surgery. I'm frustrated, annoyed, and just cranky all around about it - no way to really sugar coat it at this point - trying to stay postive/relax but it's hard when it constantly feels like someone is pushing down below on me...imagine the feeling of waiting too long to go to the bathroom - CONSTANTLY. I got a card in the mail from Ryann today - she's been sending cards every week since I've been off and it's really sweet & makes my day when I go to the mailbox - I love how loved/supported I am - it makes me want to be a stronger person because I know how many people love me & want nothing but the best for Richard & myself - thanks for everyone for their continued support...I promise one day I'll be back to "regular Ashley" - let's hope that's sooner rather than later!

Today I started a 30 day challenge on facebook -

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2430898&id=21407106&l=7fd98d4c52

 

It's fun - here's the order of things:

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with 15 facts

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Day 04 - A picture of your night

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most ridiculous things with.

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

Day 25 - A picture of your favorite day

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with 15 facts

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Day 04 - A picture of your night

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most ridiculous things with.

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

Day 25 - A picture of your favorite day

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

I'm looking forward to completing it and having some fun with it along the way - I also hope my friends start to do it too because it's a fun way to learn more about people! Anyhoo, guess that's all that's going on right now - until next time...

365 Project! Wednesday is my favorite day to do them!

You might wonder why there are only 5 pictures - well, some were taken on my camera phone and one is still on the memory card so I'm a little behind in getting everything uploaded - but here are a few fun ones!

This is Elizabeth & I after eating at Pasquale's in Bellevue - she is so sweet and so much fun!! I love catching up!!

Skyline lunch with Nick, Barb, Susan & Dick - usually Susan doesn't come but I was beyond thrilled that she could join us on such short notice - it's kind of a tradition to go to Skyline with the crew, so it was fun to catch up and see everyone in the office that day!

Celebrating Valentines Day a little late - mound of onion rings and 2 yummy drinks...Cheddars was very yummy!

Junior, Nancy and Kalysta came down and we went to IHOP for dinner - I did a 31 party for Jeneal & Stevie that day so Kalysta & Nancy rode back down to my place since Junior was helping Richard with his truck!

Taryn & I at her wedding shower - I miss her living in DC so it was fun to catch up and spend some time with high school friends!! This is a little blurry but Taryn has a better one that uses a flash (I just forgot to put mine on auto) - funny thing is my favorite picture of us from high school is a little blurry too - ha!

Just Waiting...

These are most of my drugs (the others are in the refrigerator being kept cold) - just waiting to be used...I go back March 8th to see if my cyst is gone and it's really hard to wait an entire month for something to happen. And I think the hard part is waiting and not knowing what's going to happen - laparoscopy surgery or starting IVF.  I officially hate waiting.
The funny thing about the drugs is that they have in the past come in huge Fed Ex boxes, big brown boxes or something that takes up A LOT of room - now that we've done it so many times we know exactly what we need / don't need...the only thing I still need to find is a Sharps container to put all the needles in once they're used. I saved my old ones so that I can remember how many needles I've poked in my body for this thing called IVF.

I was thinking back the other day about how I didn't think I would ever do something like this...but I think in the back of my mind I always thought I would be able to do it myself - I wouldn't need help. I think it's how I was raised - being brought up believing "You can do anything you want - anything you put your mind to - work hard and you'll get everything you want and more" - I think because every inch of this cycle is not me doing it on my own, it's hard to cope/deal with sometimes. I don't want help - I don't want to not be able to get pregnant on my own...but it's my reality and I know I need to be ok with it. It's not that I'm against IVF, it's that I struggle with not being able to do something on. my. own. I'm a typical first born - I want to believe I can do anything I want to do - sounds very silly, but it's true! Not that I don't ask for people's opinion's (esp mom, dad, Corey, Richard etc.) but in the end, most of the time I want to do it on my own. I'll go ahead and just keep that on my list of personality traits to keep at bay! :)

Back to waiting...I would never say that "patience" was in my top 10 personality traits...it doesn't help when people like to tell you to be more patient, or "just be patient - it will happen when it's meant to happen" - anything involving patience really irritates me now...I would say at this point, after YEARS of trying and 3 FAILED IVF attempts, I am more patient than ever. Granted, "more patient" doesn't necessarily mean I'm patient - but I've come a long way - I understand it's going to take time for some things to work and that sometimes my body needs more time than my mind does! (*or vice versa) - like I've told many people before - the physical stuff you forget - your body and mind work in weird ways where you start to forget how much the lovenox shots hurt, or how many times you have to stick yourself and you just kind of forget it all...but that emotional party and finding out that you have another unsuccessful round - those moments in your mind never go away...I carry them around with me, sometimes I just think of that moment (the first, second, or third) because I remember every single cycle like it was yesterday - and I don't know why. I think my body/mind just have to remind me that I've been through a lot and I have to take it easy and remember to take each cycle on it's own and just focus on the future and what's to come...that we will be parents some day - not sure how but we will be parents and that's going to be the absolute best day of our lives!

These last few weeks have been hard just waiting and not knowing what's going to happen...I try to keep myself busy and I don't know now if that's helping or not...this week I don't have much on my plate until a 31 kickoff for a new consultant on my team on Friday / Caleb's 1st birthday party on Saturday...I'm really looking forward to relaxing this week and having a fun weekend ahead. I talked with Dr. Thomas last week to tell him I'm in more "discomfort" because it's pretty constant that it feels like someone is pushing on my lower stomach...he said because it's not pain, and that so many cysts do end up going away...he'd like me to just deal with it and see him on March 8th. So that's what I'll do...just keep waiting.

365 Project Wednesday (since I can't hit the Tuesday mark!)

Two of my favorite girlfriends (Crystal and Lindsay) - we met for lunch last Wednesday (2.9.11) at Frisch's in Clifton - it was great to spend time with them and visit! They have two very cute boys that are fun to talk to as well!

2.10.11 - Went to Grandma & Grandpa's house and went to the Reservation in Milan to eat - not as good as the Grubb Company in Osgood we all decided but it was neat to show Richard the old house that they used to live in and yack with them (I even took a video of them telling stories!)

2.11.11 - Richard worked today so I was home by myself. Stephanie & Ryann both sent cards recently about hope & keeping my head up - I am so lucky to have such wonderful and supportive friends in my life - I don't know what I do without all of them keeping me so upbeat and positive!!

2.12.11 - 2.13.11 - Columbus trip!! Eating at Schmidt's here:

 And Bob Evans for breakfast here: :)

 2.14.11 - Happy Valentines Day Richard! I delivered cake to the firehouse!

Richard & I went up to watch Caleb for the evening and had a ball with him - he loves Sally and Sally tolerates him :)