2ww is over

Well the 2 ww is over and I'm so glad...waiting is the worst in my opinion. Dr. Thomas called today to give us the news, not what I was hoping to here but almost what I was expecting to hear at this point - four times doing the same thing - heaven help me! It gets old wishing the same wish, wanting the same thing, and not feeling like the last few YEARS have moved us anywhere closer to our dream and what we wanted.

Here's the email I sent out to everyone this afternoon:

Just wanted to let you know that our 4th IVF round was unsuccessful.

Dr. Thomas called to tell me he was tired of having to give me bad news and I told him I was tired of hearing bad news.

I'm very lucky to have such a supportive husband, family & friends to go along this journey with - I appreciate every single one of your cards, prayers, thoughts, texts, facebook messages, emails etc. I am very grateful to have such a wonderful support system in my life that has allowed us to do this four times now...it hasn't been easy, but I know this is just part of our story that I'm hoping has a great ending!

That's about all I've got for today - the house is nice & quiet for me to get some work done and Sally is curled up in my room with me just hanging out...I know you all love the Sally updates too (ha!)

Thanks again for your continued support,
Ashley

Transfer Day in Photos

Transfer Day + 2ww

Today is our transfer day for IVF #4 - this is the last step in the process...the doctor's have done all they can do after the transfer, and for the next 2 weeks we wait to see if those embryos decided to stick and become babies.

This is always a weird day to me - it's very hopeful because there is a sense that you are PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) as they like to say in IVF land...but there's also a sense that you just hope beyond hope that they do what they're supposed to do. This is the only part of the process my body doesn't seem to understand / do very well so I hope this time it's different.

We should get a picture of the embryos today as well as the container that they lived in...it's sort of a strange out of body type experience when they hand you that because it just doesn't seem possible that our embryos were just sitting in their container and then they go in me...but at least they're back where they're supposed to be. Thank goodness for modern science that this is even possible during our lives!

Not sure if I'll take pictures today or not - usually I do for the transfer but it's truly the same as every other time...go in, get into scrubs, lay on table & wait for doctor, doctor waits for embryologist to send the embryos  through the tube and I have to lay on a table for 30 minutes afterwards. We have to be at the hospital at 10:30 for an 11:00 transfer - one funny thing they let you do is bring music in to listen to during the procedure...it helps pass the time after the transfer but during it's just nice background music (but the actual procedure takes less than 5 minutes total).

This is a picture of us during the second IVF (all in our outfits!) - just to give you an idea (HA!) - as you can see, Richard is less than pleased to ever have his picture taken! I love him in spite of himself!

Here's hoping...

IVF #2 (05/2010)

Retrieval & Embryos!

Yesterday the retrieval went really well - 12 eggs retrieved from me & everything went really well. I slept a lot during the day - watched some TV and had my first progesterone shot (long needle). Seen here (which is the same needle that we did my trigger shot with so the rest of my progesterone shots will be with this needle in the muscle in my back/hip area that has muscle in it) - I'll show my lovenox shots sometime soon so you can see what those are - but those are pre-filled syringes and the needle is small but it's the shot that hurts the most:

I was pretty sore yesterday from the retrieval & just really tired but all was ok. Today got a call from my favorite old IVF nurse (she now works in another part of the hospital) who called to say we got 6 embryos to fertilize. They will keep all 6 fresh so they can pick the best two on Monday for the transfer back into their mama! :)

So in sum:
6 fertilized at the 2PN level (perfect!)
2 didn't fertilize at all
4 fertilized but they were 1PN (1 of these) and 3PN (3 of those) which essentially means there was too much DNA or not enough DNA in the embryo so they weren't of good genetic make-up.

That about sums up my last 2 days - trying to stay positive through it all. Hopefully everything goes well on Monday!

Trigger Shot + Free Day

Got the official word from the doctor yesterday about 4:45pm that I would do my trigger shot last night at 11:45 and then have a free day today...with the directions not to eat or drink anything after midnight tonight.

Here is Judy on the left (IVF head nurse I believe - works with all the surrogates) and the "blood draw lady" I call her but this is who struggled with me the one day I almost passed out - we've become good friend's now - now that she understands I need to lay down to have my blood drawn and she should start with my amazing vein in my left arm!

So the next step in the process was last night I took my last dose of Lupron and then took my trigger shot at 11:45 (notice I took a picture of the clock so you can see I made it as well as the needle/how big it is) - poor Richard has his ambulance rotation tomorrow so I'm sure he'll be exhausted all week! The shot went fine - he drew it up and mixed it correctly and he also gave me the shot with minimal pain so I can't complain about that. The picture of my ovary there is showing my left ovary with my cyst in it as well as all those follicles - it's doing just as well as the right one (go figure!) and everything is looking good.

Today is a free day - no appointments, no shots, just no food/drink after 12 midnight tonight! :) I think I'll have a bowl of cereal around 11:45 - haha!

Tomorrow we have to be at the hospital at 9:45 and I'm ready to go and get this horrible feeling out of my stomach! Tomorrow is usually kind of rough / I think I remember sleeping a lot last time that day. Imagine having to pee really really bad...so bad it hurts...all the time - that's how I feel.

Good thing I'm going to lunch with Michelle & her boys today to take my mind off of things - that will be fun - look out photobooth, here we come!!

Hello August - Doctor's appointment today!

Happy Monday! :) It was a great sign today at the doctor that he was ON TIME for the first time I think EVER...when I got there early they did my blood draw (went great!), then got me back in the room and set-up for the doctor. Dr. Lindheim had walked by to say good morning and asked how everything was going...he's just so nice!

Every wonder what an ultrasound probe looks like? Probably not but I'm going to show you on here!

L-R: Dr. Lindheim, me and Dr. Ressler

Dr. Lindheim took the camera - this is what it looks like to be laughing while getting an ultrasound...good grief!

Dr. Lindheim got a better shot of my ovary that has the cyst in it (on the right) but still has follicles growing in it - grow follies grow!!

Chris is my main IVF nurse for this round - she's so sweet & thought it was silly I was taking photos!

This would be my MASSIVE chart!! So much paperwork...Dr. Ressler went over everything with me that I needed to know today!

 

Everything with the appointment went great, follicles are doing well - they are thinking my retrieval will be Thursday with a transfer on Sunday but we'll just have to wait until the blood work comes back this afternoon. He thinks I'll need an extra day of follistim to keep them going strong (looking at only about 7 right now that are "front runners/winners" he calls them - but between the follistim today and the HCG shot the night before my retrieval, we should get a few more from that...some are just not getting as big as they thought).

 

Dr. Lindheim was helping me take pictures (to get better angles of the ultrasound machine) and explained everything so well! We were all laughing pretty much the entire time. (Attached is a picture so you can see what Dr. Lindheim looks like and Dr. Ressler (who is studying to be in fertility and has a few more years of med school) :)

 

I go back tomorrow morning for a final ultrasound & blood draw. If I go back tomorrow I will see Dr. Thomas so I probably won't have any fun stories to report but he did stop by to see how things were going this morning which was really nice :) We'll do blood work & ultrasound for any of you out there that are keeping track of the blood draws I believe we're up to close to 5 or so) :) 

 

Other great things about this morning - got a great parking spot in the garage, tried McD's pancakes (not my favorite) and got a Coke (love!), and have a day full of meetings which will hopefully make the day go SUPER fast!!!

Tonight was a great night with mom & dad and having dinner with them - I missed a call from Richard so I missed Snow Castle (dang!) but hopefully either Kona Ice will come around soon or I'll have Richard drive me over tomorrow to get it (HA!)

Feeling like I'm going to the doctor's too much this week...

I woke up and said to Richard "I can't wait until tomorrow when I can sleep in and not go to the doctor" - how sad is that??

Went to the doctor today, got there and was first in the door at 8:03...my appointment was for 8:15, they got me back early, took my blood (left a bruise but whatever), but the doctor's assistant didn't come back until about 8:30 and the doctor himself came in around 8:35/8:40...8 follicles on my right, 3 on my left - still aiming for 20 total at the end. Because of blood work we are uping my follistim to 175 for the next 3 days and we'll see how that goes. And if you're wondering what kind of mood I'm in today that would be me in the top left corner ;) HA!

Richard got OT tomorrow, so I'll just be hanging out and hopefully catching up on my sleep! I'm very tired/exhausted...it's still hard to focus on things and I'm pretty grumpy today. That pretty much sums it up! Here's a collage picture of the nurse that took my blood, the person studying to be a doctor who does my ultrasounds and a picture of the cyst with the follicles in the ovary - it's not as cool of a picture as on Wednesday but I do what I can with getting them to print it off!

Email about July 27th Drs Appt

Yesterday was such a crazy/busy day that I just sent a quick email out to my family/friends telling them how the doctor's appointment went -
Hi All,

Went to the doctor this morning & had a good appointment (everyone loves my outfit which means I should've been wearing my teal shirt with the huge flowers on it more!) :) I currently have 9 follicles on my right side, 4 on my left (which means the ovary that has a cyst in it still has part of it's lining that is producing follicles - yay!) - I met with Dr. Lindheim today and he's my new favorite doctor - he was so thorough and helpful and answered all my questions! I see him again on Friday since Dr. Thomas is out of the office. We're aiming for 20 follicles this time (theoretically, if they get 20 eggs, only a certain percentage will become embryos) so that seems like a good number!Dr. Lindheim said the follicles look much better than last time because they're all maturing at the same rate & are about the same size (for comparison, last time there were big ones, small ones...all over the board). They're doing a great job of controlling my numbers so that I can produce more eggs this time...he thinks they'll keep me on all the same medication levels so that's a good sign. I feel ok, not great, but ok...just pretty tired and really tired of going to the doctor's office.
Hope everyone has a good day!
Ashley

I completely forgot to do my shots last night - you would think to yourself "How do you forget? You have to do them every day!" - well, what happened was, I worked until about 6, went out to work with a friend at work, came home and pretty much passed out on the couch, woke up and went into bed and went to sleep...very soundly & quickly! I woke up around 2:45 AM thinking "Oh no - I forgot to give myself shots!" so I went ahead and gave them (they tell me to do it as soon as I realize I forgot!) so hopefully it's not too bad.

Today I just feel tired - even after getting over 8 hours of sleep, my body is just exhausted...Susan at work reminds me that I'm asking a lot of my body right now so I better just take it easy! Easier said than done!

I'm hopeful about the process, but realize it could go either way so I'm just "here" about it - not happy or sad, just here.

Monday - To-Do

Take antibiotic
Eat yogurt with breakfast
Go to doctor's appointment to get my blood drawn to make sure my levels are ok - try not to pass out because the woman stuck me in both arms & made me feel very queezy
Take excedrine because head is pounding (Judy my IVF nurse told me it's probably because of low estrogen)
Wait for doctor to call back telling me how much follistim to give myself tonight & if my levels look ok / schedule next appointment for this week
Work
Follistim shot
Lupron shot
C&C 31 meeting
Prenatal / allergy meds

That's all for today...I'm exhausted already & keep having crazy dreams!

Follistim

So - here is what follistim looks like :) This is the medication that stimulates my ovaries and allows them to produce more than the typical 1 egg per cycle. The right ovary looks great, the left ovary might not do much because of the cyst. With a "go" from the doctor today, I'll do 150 units for 3 days in a row, then go back in on Monday morning for blood work and testing to make sure the levels are ok - they will adjust if needed for the Monday night cycle.

Someone gave me all of this medication - I can not tell you how happy that made me (seeing as though these are thousands of $$ out of pocket for me....) a friend just gave them to me & they don't expire until next year - so sweet!

One 600 tube of medication

I had Richard help me hold the follistim pen to show you what it looks like - this is it with no medication in it

Now the medicine tube is in it

And the needle goes on top...did I ever think  I would think it's cute that we're both holding my shots in the same picture? No...I'm looking forward to maybe holding our child in our arms together instead of this stupid pen.

Here's the set-up for this one....

Both Richard & I have to be on an antibiotic (even though we aren't sick) so we don't have any germies in us...how nice!

We start at turning that dial to 150 and I stick the shot in my stomach, and then push it until it's back to 0. I stood today and said "I don't want to do it" and Richard just looked at me and I did it and he said "Good job" How fun...I could think of 500 things that sound like more fun that that!

See - tiny needle, I actually think it's skinnier than my Lupron (that I went down to 5 instead of 10 units today) but that's still 2 shots / day until my retrieval. 

Stay tuned for more exciting news in the world of IVF (or maybe I should've just said information) - scratch the fun part, no part of this is fun to be honest. It's ok some days, it's horrible others - every day though is just another step in a long process to get to one answer - yes or no to the question "did it work?" With the answer being "No" 3 times in a row - I'm just ready to get this show on the road.

July 22 - baseline ultrasound & bloodwork

Guess what? The cyst is back! Yep that was my reaction too. wtf?

Had a 9:30 appointment - doctor probably walked in around 10:15 (how do you run so late at 9:30 in the morning I'll never know) - especially when 1 person came into the office after us that had MISSED her appointment that morning...not sure how that works but oh well.

The looked at my uterus, lining, right ovary (10 pre-follicles or whatever they're called) - so far...so good! Then they moved over to the left ovary and bam! "There's your little friend" Dr. Thomas said...I was less than pleased that we had to re-measure that. He said he'd let me move forward with the cyst if my estrogen levels came back below 50 from the lab so they would call me later.

Went out to "Grand Central Station" in the middle of this hallway that has what feels like a million people walking through it and took blood work - I don't like to look when they take blood, and it seemed to take forever today...just wasn't in the mood.

As we walked out I told Richard I'm so over this entire process but maybe the cyst just wants to hang out with my baby when it gets in there this time...it's really the only thing I can do at this point to keep from crying & keep a smile on my face because it's one of those days where I'd like to just cry, scream at everyone in that doctor's office especially for being late on a day that I really didn't want to be there and throw all the medicine at them and use a few choice cuss words that would essentially boil down to screw you and your stupid IVF procedure. I understand it's my choice, and that's why I can't do anything I mentioned in the previous email - maybe it's my body's way of dealing with the fact that I don't want to do this again...even though it's going to suck beyond words if I can't have my own child - at least I can get part of my life back and not have to keep going back to the same doctor's office and waiting and hoping for something that's not going to happen.



That's about all I've got for today - pretty cruddy day, but on the bright side - they did call to say I can start my follistim and antibiotic (both me & Richard) and continue my lupron tonight so here we go...here goes nothing. I'll share sometime soon (maybe tomorrow what all that stuff looks like so you can see the difference in the needles (not much) etc.

Thanks to everyone for the support & love they've shown - it's amazing & what keeps me going, and I mean that...I couldn't do it without everyone being so supportive and only wanting the best for Richard & me.

Day 2: Another day, another shot

Another day - another 10 units of Lupron - people ask me if it makes me feel different and so far I don't notice anything - but honestly it could make me more tired & I would never know :)

Tonight was Kelly's 31 party & we had a good time - I got in the pool afterwards & hung out with her friends/family - they're so sweet! I've entered the party & now I'm just waiting for her to get a few more orders (hopefully!) :)

Until tomorrow...

Day 1: Lupron Starts Today

I'm going to call this Day 1 of IVF #4 for the McFarlands. It's a very sunny & hot day here in Florence, KY - the sun is shining & the humidity is through the roof...as someone that sufffers from seasonal allergies - the air is less than ideal! It's July 10th (the day after Richard's birthday) and I'm hoping only good things come from this cycle.

Today starts "Lupron" and in very simple terms - it's tricking my body into stopping the natural production of estrogen and allows my body to create more so more follicles can grow during stimulation. There are articles & articles online about what it does / side effects etc. but I won't bore you with the details of all that.

Here is my set-up for Lupron - the bottle has the actual drug in it, the needle which goes into me and alcohol swamps to clean the top of the Lupron bottle every time and to clean the area where I'm going to stick.

Here is the needle - to be honest, Lupron is the easiest drug through the IVF process to give myself - I usually do all of them myself now because I can :) and I only have to give myself 10 units per day. I do this for 23 days so it is a lot of sticks but at least the needle is small and I'm able to do it myself. I just pull the bottom down & push back up to get all the air out and then put it in the bottle/pull down until it's below 10, then back up to 10 and then it's ready!

Here's the bottle and I can travel easily with it because it's so small and I know what I'm doing at this point now! Sometimes I bruise because I hit something and that does hurt a bit more than normal but the bruise isn't big at all with these. Typically I give it to myself around 8pm each night because I know I'll be home and can keep myself on a schedule - it's quick & easy and I usually just want to get it over with. I can give these shots anywhere - my leg, my arm, my stomach so I choose my leg because it's the least painful and I can cover it up with pants/shorts/capris etc. The follistim (the next round of shots) go in my stomach as do the Lovenox (which are my least favorite/bruise really bad) so I tend to give my stomach as much of a break as I can!

The whole process seems to take forever and fly by all at once - it'll be interesting to see how this one goes since we've gone through 1 fresh / 2 frozen cycles already and this is only our 2nd fresh cycle - hopefully it goes well & we have good results.

That is all for now - if you have any questions along the way - feel free to ask me, email me or leave a comment on the blog & I'd be happy to answer anything - there are no limits! I've probably been asked the question before so I'm happy to answer anything!

2nd Cyst Removal

Today has gone better than I expected (always a nice thing!) -

Woke up this morning at 8 (it was nice to sleep in because I've been getting up every day this week to walk the dog her full mile / get back to the gym) but my body told me last night I just needed as much sleep as possible. I got ready & one of my Thirty-One customers stopped by to pick up her order (I love meeting new people through 31!). I took the percoset at 10 (1 hour before procedure) and we headed to Dr. Thomas's office at the Christ Medical Arts Building. We were almost to the hospital & I started to feel a little light headed and kind of dizzy (it said that could be one of the side effects to the meds) and when I got in the parking lot I took a Valium. I was really glad Richard could take off work to go with me - he's such a strong person, and it just really helps calm me to have him by my side. (Thanks to his friend at work Andy for standing by for him so he could come!)

When we got up to the office, they weren't ready for us yet so by about 11:15 we were called back and Kathy told us Richard would have to wait in the waiting room (I was a bit shocked and didn't quite understand but I said "Love you" and went with the nurse). When we got back to the room & I got ready Dr. Thomas came in and we had this conversation:
Dr. Thomas: Do you want your husband to be back here?
Me: Yes I really do, but Kathy told him he couldn't come this time
Dr. Thomas: Oh, he can be back here - that's no problem - can someone go get him?

Needless to say, that made me feel A LOT better - Kathy told me afterwards that she was sorry but typically Dr. Thomas didn't like husbands in the room when they do those types of procedures in the office because so many of them have passed out in the middle of it and it's a pain to pick a grown man off the floor during a procedure! Kathy says "I guess he likes you and he knows you're a paramedic so you probably won't pass out" and Richard goes "What would I pass out over?" and she said we'd be surprised - just the other day they were doing a routine ultrasound and the husband hit the floor! I don't know what I'd do if Richard just passed out! :)

Once they checked that they had everything, we were ready to go and everything went fine - something in the procedure happened which caused me to bleed a bit more than normal (and caused for A LOT of cleanup for all involved - I apologized for the mess but everyone goes "No, it's Dr. Thomas' fault!") because I told them I was leaking so another doctor came in after we were done to check everything and make sure I was ok. I felt the poke of the needle but then it wasn't too bad - they are sending all the fluid from the cyst off for testing - it was a bit darker he said than last time (he wasn't sure why at this point) but I told him it was a lot darker than I had anticipated. Dr. Thomas said I did great and I told him it wasn't as bad as I was anticipating. He did give me an injection to numb part of my insides for my vaginal wall so he said that combined with the percoset/Valium, it was the perfect combination. I told Kathy I didn't feel like getting up right away, so I just laid there for awhile longer and we just chatted. They are so sweet and nice to me - they truly want this to work & know how frustrated I must be with everything. Dr. Thomas came back one last time so we asked him if flying to Colorado was ok in August right after the transfer and he said "Oh yeah, where are you going in Colorado? Have a great time - I just got back from there about 3 weeks ago." That was music to my ears!

As we were on our way out we chatted with Kris the IVF nurse this time because I wanted to check on the prescriptions being called into CVS (my birth control & Richard's antibiotic for later in the cycle) and also my amount of follistim.. Judy was there (the head IVF nurse) and she said to get something on my stomach and relax the rest of the day - we stopped at Wendy's on the way home and I slept from 1:15-4 and now I'm thinking about going to watch a movie. My stomach is still a bit sore & I don't feel 100% so hopefully with a good night's sleep tonight I'll be my normal self again.

Thanks to everyone that has been so supportive & understanding through all of this - it's been rough on my body / I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone - but I hope I'll look back a few months from now & say that it was all worth it.

Here's the picture of me today (it was a glasses/Ellen T-shirt kind of day for sure!) - we got the green light to start Lupron on Sunday so that's exciting news:

I have to write on my calendar everything I need to remember so I don't forget (I try to blame the drugs but I think it's just the million different things that go on during a fresh cycle, I want to make sure not to miss anything!)

I thought getting a pretty box from Target to keep all the IVF meds in was a good idea -I also keep paperwork in the blue plastic container so I don't lose anything because I've been known to do that a time or two!

Stupid Cyst

Today I had a doctor's appointment with Dr. Thomas - running a bit late as usual but not as bad as sometimes so that's good! Terry has retired (my IVF nurse) so Judy told me that when I got there...there's TONS of new people in the office.

He said the cyst in the left ovary was still there / was about the same size. Good news is that my right ovary & uterus looked great! Dr. Thomas wants to drain the cyst on Friday morning so I'm waiting to hear when that will be scheduled. I had 2 prescriptions to fill (Valium & Percoset) at CVS today (where I learned about the Casey Anthony verdict) and came home to work from home the rest of the afternoon. I take the Valium when I'm in the parking lot & the percoset an hour before the procedure.

Richard is going to try and take off work for it so he can be there with me - that made me feel better. I'm trying to document IVF #4 a little more so here are some photos from today.

Here's my view from the chair:

There's the cyst on the screen:

Stupid cyst :(

Dr. Thomas - writing prescriptions:

Kathy (chocolate milk nurse) :) with her eyes closed:

I love coming home to my home and here's Sally who doesn't want to sit down but I wanted to share my new swing!

Hopefully Friday goes well - ready to get rid of the cyst for a second time!

4 weeks from today...

My lilypie ticker at the bottom of my blog reminds me that 4 weeks from today we'll be starting our next round of IVF - I'm listening to Melissa Lawson's "What If It All Goes Right" I just downloaded from Itunes - I hadn't heard the song until I was watching a slideshow that someone in Thirty-One put together a couple of weeks ago. I thought it was simply perfect for what we're going through.


I'll leave you with the lyrics (and link to listen on youtube to the song if you want!) 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRbSUPWSdcE

Melissa Lawson Lyrics – What If It All Goes Right

What if that road that you’re taking’s a dead end
What if love leaves you all jaded and broken
What if that limb breaks you’re climbing out on
Yeah, what if it all goes wrong

But, what if it all goes right
What if it all works out
What if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
What if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

What if that road is a beautiful slow drive
what if that love ends up lasting a life time
what if that limb holds you, oak tree strong
what if this time nothing goes wrong

What if it all goes right
What if it all works out
What if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
What if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

What if you climb to the mountain top
and touch the sky
grab a cloud as it passes by
you might fall you might fall
but then again you might fly

What if it all goes right
What if it all works out
What if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
What if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

Sometimes music just speaks volumes - and says more than I could ever put in words - I hope everyone has a great week & I hope I get a better night's sleep (given the storms kept me waking up last night!) 

i can't sleep...

Richard went to bed over an hour ago - probably closer to two...I stayed up and watched Fergie on Oprah and then Real World...you have to be really desperate to watch Real World instead of sleep but I'm just not tired. All day I've struggled to keep a smile on my face - my stomach hurts a lot today and I took a pain pill this evening but it's not doing a whole lot...I've been having bad dreams...I am frustrated today. Frustrated for so many reasons I don't even want to get into tonight, but safe to say - it's a lot of different things.

The highlight of the day was going to Bonefish ($5 Bang Bang Shrimp night!) with Melanie, Rob & Abigail after work (I needed that!)! They are truly so sweet and so much fun to be around - we only were together a little over an hour but it was good to laugh, catch up and just relax (the Blue Moon helped!)

I'm still just trying to figure out everything in my life - my job, my infertility, our next steps, my pain that I feel on a constant basis, most recently - my foot that throbs at times, la di da di da dee da and so on...the list goes on & on. I've been keeping a journal since I was little - sometimes I hardly write at all (for months at a time it seems)  but lately I've been better about writing in it so I can keep track of things.

I need to learn to relax...in general. I have a hard time with it - I don't know what it is...even when I was off work for 3 entire months - I struggled to relax...even if I was just watching Modern Family, my mind was still racing...or I was doing laundry, doing my 365 project, writing in my journal etc. You would think I should be good at relaxing by now but the only times I am truly relaxed and feel at peace is when I'm on the beach - and I'm walking along the sand or just sitting by the ocean and can completely let my mind go blank and just focus on the here & now. I'm trying to do that more in real life - not just at the beach (because let's be honest - I can't live sitting at the beach - oh if only I could win the lottery!) - but in every day - when I head into work and sit in traffic, when I struggle with something, when I'm home.

I'll leave you with a picture of this past week - since I'm not posting my 365 project online anymore (it's just too annoying on blogger to do it that way in my opinion) and if you want to see it - I'd rather you see it in real life because it's so much better! I have thought about doing the digital version of the book next year but there's something about having it in hand to look back on that I truly enjoy. Tonight I sat down and just went through the entire first few months of the year and smiled - I love capturing those little moments in life and being able to flip through them anytime I want.

This is from the Derby Party at mom & dad's over the weekend - I love being able to see my sister - I truly miss her more than I can express (we actually skyped for over an hour this week which I needed!) - it's just great we can wear fun hats & have fun together!

Another day, Another doctor's appointment...

To recap the last few days:

• Friday - sharp pain, lasted a few minutes, stomach felt MUCH better
• Saturday - felt sick to my stomach after dinner
• Sunday - stomach still didn't feel normal but better than Saturday
• Monday - chest pains, hot flashes, stomach hurting more and more, finally called the doctor to leave a message for Dr. Thomas (as I wasn't sure what was wrong but wanted to make sure it wasn't serious)
• Tuesday - finally schedule my appointment for Thursday morning, stomach doesn't hurt as bad as Monday
• Wednesday - worst pain all week consistently throughout the day - was glad I made an appointment with the doctor
• Today - went in for an 8:30 appointment with Dr. Thomas and he said everything looked fine but my cyst had become slightly bigger than last time - but everything from his side looked fine. He asked when our IVF dates were (I told him I start drugs on July 22) and he thought we were starting earlier. Either way, he said I would be fine to start IVF whenever I wanted - ovary might not perform as well on the left side - but that it should be fine. He isn't concerned.

ME on the other hand walked out of the appointment like "Whatever - they can't even help me. I'm in pain and I'm frustrated." Needless to say, the news that I did not want to hear was "Yep, cyst is still there - getting bigger" - but that's what I hear again. This seems like the exact same story as a few months ago because this is exactly what I felt like - I thought it would get better after the surgery, maybe the cutting up of some of the scar tissue would be good for me - but it turns out that Dr. Thomas thinks my cyst could just be pushing and tugging against my scar tissue. He implies that it's everywhere in my stomach - everywhere. He said he just can't believe how much scar tissue I have after a ruptured appendix. He did say he was seeing more patients recently that have had a ruptured appendix in their lives and it causes the same types of problems - well, guess it's good to know there are other people in my exact same boat cursing the doctor's that let me go home with my symptoms telling me I had the flu (if only I had said it was just on my right side...would that have made any difference in their diagnosis?), my surgeron for doing a not great job of my surgery and the countless hours I spent recovering from an operation that I'm still paying for today. I just looked up what an appendix does and this is what it says "Scientists are not sure what the appendix does, if anything" - lovely. Well, mine decided to burst and leave scar tissue over my entire stomach - that's what it does if it does rupture!

This week coming back to work has been crazy - very busy but great to see so many smiling faces smiling back at me! Everyone's enthusiasm in welcoming me back has been overwelming! I even got flowers from Richard on Monday (first day back) and I was shocked. They are still alive and kicking on my desk today & they are beautiful! I love looking at them - I love seeing them when I come back from meetings and it's just a nice touch on my cube! I put pictures up again (thanks Crystal for my cute "Friends" display frame) and everyone commented on that! I've been in such a great mood coming back & it's been great to get back in the swing of things.

Wednesday I went to an adoption meeting at work to just get information and ask questions to some fellow Nielsen people who have been through adoption - it was great information to get and even though we're a few steps away from that stage - it was good to get some information & hear the different experiences people have come across with the adoption process. Apparently adopting in KY has it's own challenges so we have to do some research on our state and what all goes into the adoption process here in the Commonwealth! Hopefully we'll meet monthly to discuss all things adoption - there's so much & it's good to get questions answered so quickly!! That's part of the great thing about working for such a big company - there's someone that's probably been through what you've been through & can answer questions!

Happy Friday Even to everyone out there - I'm looking forward to Friday & then this weekend going up to Columbus to visit my sister with Crystal & Caleb - I miss Corey, so it'll be good to touch base and hopefully get some shopping in sometime!

Last day of sabbatical

First off, Happy Easter today to everyone!! No family celebrations today due to family being spread out, working, other family events etc. but just got back from Red Robin with mom & dad - love that they live so close so we can do things spur of the moment! I think I'll go visit a little bit later today (and also pick up my pictures from Walgreens by them - that way I can be caught up on my 365 project before going back to work tomorrow!)

Happy Anniversary to my sister Corey & her husband Jimmie on 1 year of marriage. I can't believe a year ago today I was standing & watching my only sister get married - what a great day! Corey & I woke up early in our hotel rooms & were texting about what was going on - I thought she wanted some alone time the morning of her wedding but it turns out she wanted someone to go with her to get Dunkin' Donuts and keep too many people from yacking with us in the lobby! :) My matron of honor duties started early! (I wasn't complaining a bit...one thing I've learned with having spent SO much time with Corey for so long, and then her being 2 hours away in Columbus now - I'll take any opportunity to spend just even a few minutes alone with her to chat like sisters do!) Here's that picture we took outside of the hotel that morning - and it's one of my favorites because it's a no makeup, no hair done, not even a shower at this point type of the morning and we just look like we're having so much fun. Great memories like this one, getting our hair done by Jessica, taking pictures, wedding & reception are all just such great memories I'll keep for a lifetime. I can't wait to see where Jimmie & Corey's relationship goes because Richard & I are about to celebrate 5 years this year and it's been better every year for us, and I hope it's the same for them!

I can't believe it's been 3 months off me being off work - it's certainly not how I had planned on spending my time off from work since we haven't even tried IVF for our final time yet - but in this time, we identified a problem cyst, monitored it and I had surgery to drain March 10, 2011. Now that the cyst has come back (and may or may not still be in there), we're still going to wait until July/August to try IVF with me for the final time. I said to Richard the other day - for the first time ever throughout this entire process, I feel that one more try is the right answer - I don't want to keep pounding my head up against the wall - and quite honestly, I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take with my own body / going through IVF. I don't want to get another phone call from the doctor that says "I'm sorry Ashley, it didn't work this time...we did everything we could, and it doesn't make sense to us why it's not working." because that's pretty much what it's sounded like all 3 times I've picked up that phone and one of the doctors has been on the other end of the line. Now every time the doctor's office calls, my stomach sinks just a little bit...I just don't like the feeling of such strong disappointment and sadness. I'm ready to try something else - I'm ready to move on - and I'm ready to look back at the IVF portion of the process and say "I gave it everything I had..." - as long as I can say that, I'll be ok and be able to deal with it and cope in my own time.

This time off work has been amazing - it's allowed me to relax, focus on what's truly important in my life & be ready to start back to work with a fresh perspective on my life. I'm someone that believes everything happens for a reason - and while I'm not sure what the reason is for the past 3 months (or years of trying to conceive), I do know that I'm prepared for whatever life throws at me...I'm ready to handle it head on and I can't wait to see what the future holds. I'm someone who truly believes the best of life is in front of me and I try really hard to appreciate that past yet not let it hold me back. I know we probably could've done things a bit differently (all the way back to my ruptured appendix when I was in college), but dwelling on the past doesn't get us anywhere...we have to focus on what we can do in the here/now.

I'm looking forward to going back to work to see everyone & hopefully pick up where I left off in a way...I'm looking forward to seeing what the next year holds for my career, my life outside of work and for our family. Stay tuned!

Sharp Pain Tonight

Tonight while we were at O'Charley's in Harrison before Charlene's visitation, I had this sharp pain right where my cyst still is and it hurt so bad it brought me to tears. I think I scared Corey, Richard, mom & dad a bit because it came out of nowhere! I stood up with Corey in the lobby for awhile and it got a bit better as time went on. I'm not sure what it was, but maybe it was the cyst rupturing on it's own - that's why it was so sudden & painful! My pain literally went from 0 to 60 in a few seconds and it was something I've never felt before. The pain was in an area that has never hurt before so it scared me a bit. The doctor said the cyst just has clear fluid in it so I'm sure that if it ruptures it will be ok because it'll just get absorbed back into my body but it was quite crazy.

Since I've had this cyst (starting in ~January), it's a dull pain on my right side almost all the time (doctor says it's strange since it's my left ovary but don't even get me started on doctors that say I should hurt in a certain spot and it hurts in another - they don't know) - and I've just become used to it being there. This was totally different. Not sure what it was - but I'm hoping everything is ok in there!

Since I'm blogging about the entire IVF/infertility experience this time around until we have a baby, I want to  make sure to note weird changes or things I might want to look back on and say "When did I have that?" which reminds me...I should write this down in my journal before I forget!

Never a dull moment around here...good grief!