Thursday, April 28, 2011

Another day, Another doctor's appointment...

To recap the last few days:
  • Friday - sharp pain, lasted a few minutes, stomach felt MUCH better
  • Saturday - felt sick to my stomach after dinner
  • Sunday - stomach still didn't feel normal but better than Saturday
  • Monday - chest pains, hot flashes, stomach hurting more and more, finally called the doctor to leave a message for Dr. Thomas (as I wasn't sure what was wrong but wanted to make sure it wasn't serious)
  • Tuesday - finally schedule my appointment for Thursday morning, stomach doesn't hurt as bad as Monday
  • Wednesday - worst pain all week consistently throughout the day - was glad I made an appointment with the doctor
  • Today - went in for an 8:30 appointment with Dr. Thomas and he said everything looked fine but my cyst had become slightly bigger than last time - but everything from his side looked fine. He asked when our IVF dates were (I told him I start drugs on July 22) and he thought we were starting earlier. Either way, he said I would be fine to start IVF whenever I wanted - ovary might not perform as well on the left side - but that it should be fine. He isn't concerned.
ME on the other hand walked out of the appointment like "Whatever - they can't even help me. I'm in pain and I'm frustrated." Needless to say, the news that I did not want to hear was "Yep, cyst is still there - getting bigger" - but that's what I hear again. This seems like the exact same story as a few months ago because this is exactly what I felt like - I thought it would get better after the surgery, maybe the cutting up of some of the scar tissue would be good for me - but it turns out that Dr. Thomas thinks my cyst could just be pushing and tugging against my scar tissue. He implies that it's everywhere in my stomach - everywhere. He said he just can't believe how much scar tissue I have after a ruptured appendix. He did say he was seeing more patients recently that have had a ruptured appendix in their lives and it causes the same types of problems - well, guess it's good to know there are other people in my exact same boat cursing the doctor's that let me go home with my symptoms telling me I had the flu (if only I had said it was just on my right side...would that have made any difference in their diagnosis?), my surgeron for doing a not great job of my surgery and the countless hours I spent recovering from an operation that I'm still paying for today. I just looked up what an appendix does and this is what it says "Scientists are not sure what the appendix does, if anything" - lovely. Well, mine decided to burst and leave scar tissue over my entire stomach - that's what it does if it does rupture!

This week coming back to work has been crazy - very busy but great to see so many smiling faces smiling back at me! Everyone's enthusiasm in welcoming me back has been overwelming! I even got flowers from Richard on Monday (first day back) and I was shocked. They are still alive and kicking on my desk today & they are beautiful! I love looking at them - I love seeing them when I come back from meetings and it's just a nice touch on my cube! I put pictures up again (thanks Crystal for my cute "Friends" display frame) and everyone commented on that! I've been in such a great mood coming back & it's been great to get back in the swing of things.

Wednesday I went to an adoption meeting at work to just get information and ask questions to some fellow Nielsen people who have been through adoption - it was great information to get and even though we're a few steps away from that stage - it was good to get some information & hear the different experiences people have come across with the adoption process. Apparently adopting in KY has it's own challenges so we have to do some research on our state and what all goes into the adoption process here in the Commonwealth! Hopefully we'll meet monthly to discuss all things adoption - there's so much & it's good to get questions answered so quickly!! That's part of the great thing about working for such a big company - there's someone that's probably been through what you've been through & can answer questions!

Happy Friday Even to everyone out there - I'm looking forward to Friday & then this weekend going up to Columbus to visit my sister with Crystal & Caleb - I miss Corey, so it'll be good to touch base and hopefully get some shopping in sometime!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Last day of sabbatical

First off, Happy Easter today to everyone!! No family celebrations today due to family being spread out, working, other family events etc. but just got back from Red Robin with mom & dad - love that they live so close so we can do things spur of the moment! I think I'll go visit a little bit later today (and also pick up my pictures from Walgreens by them - that way I can be caught up on my 365 project before going back to work tomorrow!)

Happy Anniversary to my sister Corey & her husband Jimmie on 1 year of marriage. I can't believe a year ago today I was standing & watching my only sister get married - what a great day! Corey & I woke up early in our hotel rooms & were texting about what was going on - I thought she wanted some alone time the morning of her wedding but it turns out she wanted someone to go with her to get Dunkin' Donuts and keep too many people from yacking with us in the lobby! :) My matron of honor duties started early! (I wasn't complaining a thing I've learned with having spent SO much time with Corey for so long, and then her being 2 hours away in Columbus now - I'll take any opportunity to spend just even a few minutes alone with her to chat like sisters do!) Here's that picture we took outside of the hotel that morning - and it's one of my favorites because it's a no makeup, no hair done, not even a shower at this point type of the morning and we just look like we're having so much fun. Great memories like this one, getting our hair done by Jessica, taking pictures, wedding & reception are all just such great memories I'll keep for a lifetime. I can't wait to see where Jimmie & Corey's relationship goes because Richard & I are about to celebrate 5 years this year and it's been better every year for us, and I hope it's the same for them!

I can't believe it's been 3 months off me being off work - it's certainly not how I had planned on spending my time off from work since we haven't even tried IVF for our final time yet - but in this time, we identified a problem cyst, monitored it and I had surgery to drain March 10, 2011. Now that the cyst has come back (and may or may not still be in there), we're still going to wait until July/August to try IVF with me for the final time. I said to Richard the other day - for the first time ever throughout this entire process, I feel that one more try is the right answer - I don't want to keep pounding my head up against the wall - and quite honestly, I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take with my own body / going through IVF. I don't want to get another phone call from the doctor that says "I'm sorry Ashley, it didn't work this time...we did everything we could, and it doesn't make sense to us why it's not working." because that's pretty much what it's sounded like all 3 times I've picked up that phone and one of the doctors has been on the other end of the line. Now every time the doctor's office calls, my stomach sinks just a little bit...I just don't like the feeling of such strong disappointment and sadness. I'm ready to try something else - I'm ready to move on - and I'm ready to look back at the IVF portion of the process and say "I gave it everything I had..." - as long as I can say that, I'll be ok and be able to deal with it and cope in my own time.

This time off work has been amazing - it's allowed me to relax, focus on what's truly important in my life & be ready to start back to work with a fresh perspective on my life. I'm someone that believes everything happens for a reason - and while I'm not sure what the reason is for the past 3 months (or years of trying to conceive), I do know that I'm prepared for whatever life throws at me...I'm ready to handle it head on and I can't wait to see what the future holds. I'm someone who truly believes the best of life is in front of me and I try really hard to appreciate that past yet not let it hold me back. I know we probably could've done things a bit differently (all the way back to my ruptured appendix when I was in college), but dwelling on the past doesn't get us anywhere...we have to focus on what we can do in the here/now.

I'm looking forward to going back to work to see everyone & hopefully pick up where I left off in a way...I'm looking forward to seeing what the next year holds for my career, my life outside of work and for our family. Stay tuned!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Sharp Pain Tonight

Tonight while we were at O'Charley's in Harrison before Charlene's visitation, I had this sharp pain right where my cyst still is and it hurt so bad it brought me to tears. I think I scared Corey, Richard, mom & dad a bit because it came out of nowhere! I stood up with Corey in the lobby for awhile and it got a bit better as time went on. I'm not sure what it was, but maybe it was the cyst rupturing on it's own - that's why it was so sudden & painful! My pain literally went from 0 to 60 in a few seconds and it was something I've never felt before. The pain was in an area that has never hurt before so it scared me a bit. The doctor said the cyst just has clear fluid in it so I'm sure that if it ruptures it will be ok because it'll just get absorbed back into my body but it was quite crazy.

Since I've had this cyst (starting in ~January), it's a dull pain on my right side almost all the time (doctor says it's strange since it's my left ovary but don't even get me started on doctors that say I should hurt in a certain spot and it hurts in another - they don't know) - and I've just become used to it being there. This was totally different. Not sure what it was - but I'm hoping everything is ok in there!

Since I'm blogging about the entire IVF/infertility experience this time around until we have a baby, I want to  make sure to note weird changes or things I might want to look back on and say "When did I have that?" which reminds me...I should write this down in my journal before I forget!

Never a dull moment around here...good grief!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Still Learning...

So I'm  new to blogger...if you can't tell by my very elementary blog layout/format. I try something new all the time - see what I like. I learned today that I have no idea how I made my blog just white before...and how I clicked "Apply to blog" when I had a cool font but didn't like the background and guess what - I got the whole deal! Now I have a dandelion on my page and it's green! Well, at least for now...

Bear with me...I'm still learning - I follow so many cool blogs (see the side for some of my favorites) - and they're always doing something creative - so I'm working on it - trying to figure out what I want my blog to look like & seeing what I like. One thing I love is this font - Calibri...I think it's very simple/cute...that and my header collage that took quite awhile to figure out how to get it to a normal size...are two of my favorite things on the blog.

Dad told me I can do anything I want with this blog - if I can imagine it, Blogger will let me do it - easier said than done!! Any tips you have for me - please feel free to leave a comment with some fun ideas or tidbits of knowledge...I think I need to do some reading up and learning before I attempt to do any more changes on this seems like when I change one thing, I start changing everything! :)

Hope everyone is having a good weekend - Richard worked yesterday so I got to hang out with my fun neighbor Amy (here are three fun pictures - one from Thursday of getting Sonic for the first time, the next from lunch with the kiddos at Red Robin, and the last was our enjoyment of our beers at night!!) It's so nice to live across the street from someone who is so sweet and such a good friend!

Richard got overtime today so it's been a great day of visiting with my friend Melanie for lunch and hanging out with my parents a bit this afternoon to watch the Reds game! Even though I was really  bummed that we had to cancel so many plans today because of overtime, I had a great day with friends/family...they always make overtime days better!!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Cyst came back?!

That's right - cyst is back...turns out the doctor drained it during my surgery so that he wouldn't have to remove my ovary but now it's filled back up again (almost the same size as before) - that explains why my stomach pain is still there.

The doctor was an hour and 45 minutes late seeing me...that's right - they were running behind, they scheduled me wrong, put me in the wrong room and it took them that long to figure it out. Needless to say after an hour and 45 minutes - my patience was thin...very thin.

They took blood - to test my estrogen levels but that all came back fine. (they called this evening) I will be starting on a new birth control pill with my next cycle that's stronger than the one I'm on now (we just switched it this cycle but he wants to switch it again).

He's going to let us move forward with our next round of IVF in late July/early August since the cyst is benign but it does make me nervous having that cyst in there just hanging out making itself comfortable.

It's been a long day...not the news I was expecting to get from the doctor today - I feel frustrated, annoyed, sad, numb, like things are moving in slow motion...pretty much the usual, except now it's just emotionally exhausting to keep hearing bad news. Each time I go to the doctor I get more I found myself saying "Is this all going to be worth it in the end?" "Why am I doing all of this?" I think I'm really glad we're trying it one more time ourselves and then moving on to new plans and new hopes...I don't think I can take much more of this whole deal or the direction  my body is heading. It makes me sad to think about it.

I don't want any more bad news. I want my body to stop giving me all the signs that it does NOT want to cooperate. I want to be a mom. I want kids running around my house. I want to watch Richard be a dad. I want to not feel this way anymore. I want peace in my heart that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be and that things will work out - that the best is ahead of me. That's what I wish for more than anything.