The funny thing about the drugs is that they have in the past come in huge Fed Ex boxes, big brown boxes or something that takes up A LOT of room - now that we've done it so many times we know exactly what we need / don't need...the only thing I still need to find is a Sharps container to put all the needles in once they're used. I saved my old ones so that I can remember how many needles I've poked in my body for this thing called IVF.
I was thinking back the other day about how I didn't think I would ever do something like this...but I think in the back of my mind I always thought I would be able to do it myself - I wouldn't need help. I think it's how I was raised - being brought up believing "You can do anything you want - anything you put your mind to - work hard and you'll get everything you want and more" - I think because every inch of this cycle is not me doing it on my own, it's hard to cope/deal with sometimes. I don't want help - I don't want to not be able to get pregnant on my own...but it's my reality and I know I need to be ok with it. It's not that I'm against IVF, it's that I struggle with not being able to do something on. my. own. I'm a typical first born - I want to believe I can do anything I want to do - sounds very silly, but it's true! Not that I don't ask for people's opinion's (esp mom, dad, Corey, Richard etc.) but in the end, most of the time I want to do it on my own. I'll go ahead and just keep that on my list of personality traits to keep at bay! :)
Back to waiting...I would never say that "patience" was in my top 10 personality traits...it doesn't help when people like to tell you to be more patient, or "just be patient - it will happen when it's meant to happen" - anything involving patience really irritates me now...I would say at this point, after YEARS of trying and 3 FAILED IVF attempts, I am more patient than ever. Granted, "more patient" doesn't necessarily mean I'm patient - but I've come a long way - I understand it's going to take time for some things to work and that sometimes my body needs more time than my mind does! (*or vice versa) - like I've told many people before - the physical stuff you forget - your body and mind work in weird ways where you start to forget how much the lovenox shots hurt, or how many times you have to stick yourself and you just kind of forget it all...but that emotional party and finding out that you have another unsuccessful round - those moments in your mind never go away...I carry them around with me, sometimes I just think of that moment (the first, second, or third) because I remember every single cycle like it was yesterday - and I don't know why. I think my body/mind just have to remind me that I've been through a lot and I have to take it easy and remember to take each cycle on it's own and just focus on the future and what's to come...that we will be parents some day - not sure how but we will be parents and that's going to be the absolute best day of our lives!
These last few weeks have been hard just waiting and not knowing what's going to happen...I try to keep myself busy and I don't know now if that's helping or not...this week I don't have much on my plate until a 31 kickoff for a new consultant on my team on Friday / Caleb's 1st birthday party on Saturday...I'm really looking forward to relaxing this week and having a fun weekend ahead. I talked with Dr. Thomas last week to tell him I'm in more "discomfort" because it's pretty constant that it feels like someone is pushing on my lower stomach...he said because it's not pain, and that so many cysts do end up going away...he'd like me to just deal with it and see him on March 8th. So that's what I'll do...just keep waiting.
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