Fourth times a charm? I really hope so.
Richard & I have been through 3 unsuccessful rounds of IVF - at first it was something I didn't even want to consider - but when the doctor tells you it's your only chance of carrying your own child, my mind started to give way to the idea & eventually thought it would be a good solution to our problem (me not having tubes any longer!) After the second time around, I found a blog called Goodbye City Life and the blogger (April Foster) blogged about her IVF experience - took pictures of the needles and her calendars she made, told how she was feeling and just shared her story overall. It helped so much to read someone else going through exactly what I was going through - to read her blog I thought to myself "I could be writing those words - I have felt the exact same way" - and I thought for my last time trying IVF - I would try to put into words what we go through, and the different steps along the way. With my cyst still there, we aren't "approved" to move forward - we'll just wait until February 7th to see if it's gone and if I can start the drugs to start the IVF cycle.
I'll be honest, as I try to relax being off work - the thought of starting another fresh IVF cycle is challenging for many reasons - I know I'm going to put my body through hell - I know the shots will hurt, they'll make me a little crazy and I really don't know what I would do if it didn't work again. I try not to think about it / stay positive but it's hard having been down this road a few times unsuccessfully. I'm hoping by blogging about it and being open with what's going on, it will help throughout the process - it's worth a shot (something I've said over and over again it seems over the past few years!) :)
So far, I've written 2 big emails to my family & friends answering some of my most commonly heard questions about IVF this time around. I'm always open to answering any questions about the process - I'm not promising I know the answer or that you'll like the answer - but I promise to give it to you straight. Everyone has been wonderful about writing back and just sending encouraging thoughts sometimes...every little bit helps as this isn't an easy process.
Email sent January 24th, 2011:
How's that Attain program coming / have you heard back?
Yes - we got great news that we were accepted into the program and just have to submit our paperwork / figure out how we're going to pay for it all. We were shocked and very excited to be accepted - they have a vested interest in getting it to work & I know several people who tried unsuccessfully with IVF and then did this program and it worked - so fingers crossed!
How was your PAP/SIS appointment on Jan 10th?
Not very good - the SIS basically just makes your uterus big and makes sure everything looks ok with my uterus.
If you google it this is what you get....A saline infusion sonogram (saline sonography) is routinely performed to make sure that the endometrial cavity (inside of the uterus) appears normal. Benign uterine growths, such as endometrial polyps or uterine fibroids, may develop in the cavity and create an environment that is hostile for implantation. Scar tissue may also be identified with the saline infusion sonogram. This procedure may be done as part of an evaluation for recurrent pregnancy loss or done prior to an IVF cycle.
After he did the SIS, I felt like i was going to throw up / pass out all at once - I started tearing up and felt really horrible. Richard was there with me which made it better, but no one knew what to do for me. They tried to find some coke but didn't have any - then they gave me chocolate - I only liked one piece of it to which Richard replied "Hey, you ate the good one" - he was just kidding, and at least it made me laugh/take my mind of of everything that was happening (which believe me, is half the battle with some of these appointments!) There was also a large cyst on my left ovary - Dr. Thomas said to come back in 2 weeks and we'll check it out.
How was your appointment today / is the cyst gone?
Unfortunately, the cyst is still there and it's about the same size. :( Also learned at the appointment today - that they did not do the PAP smear so we had to do that today too. Oh - and my blood pressure was high (the nurse asked if it was because I was anxious about the apointment - I think she could sense I wasn't looking forward to it). The good news to come out of the appointment was that no new cysts are forming which Dr. Thomas was pleased with.
Side story: We have a nurse we like to call "chocolate milk nurse" (real name is Kathy) because when we first started going to Dr. Thomas, she asked Richard (after almost an hour of waiting) if he wanted anything to drink. He finally got tired of her asking so at one point he goes "I'd take some chocolate milk if you've got it." The look on her face was priceless - she didn't know what to say as I don't think any grown man has ever asked for that....so every time we go in now Richard asks if she has his chocolate milk yet. After the appointment today she promises to have chocolate milk next time for Richard (she even asked what his favorite kind is!) - it's chocolate milk from Kroger in case anyone was curious! :)
What are next steps / what happens now?
Dr. Thomas wants me to continue on birth control and come back in 2 weeks. He's hopeful that the cyst is gone and that no new cysts have formed (all things the birth control is SUPPOSED to be doing!) - if it's not gone, he could always drain it but he'd rather not if he doesn't have to - basically doesn't want to mess with anything down there if my body will eventually do it on it's own. We can't start another round (or any medication) until the cyst is gone / we are cleared to start. My favorite IVF nurse (Mandy) talked to me today & I always feel better after talking with her - she tentatively has me down for starting drugs in late Feb. and doing everything in March...stim drugs, retrieval and transfer. All of this is based on this cyst going away - she can adjust the dates once we know for sure when I can move forward in the cycle.
How was your first day off of work / are you bored yet?
Today has been a crazy busy day for me (drs. appt/IKEA trip/31 meeting at Kings Island) - so no, I'm not bored yet. I'm looking forward to having some time off and being able to relax and get my body back to normal - my stomach hasn't felt right in weeks / I've been having nightmares again (I think just thinking about everything starting again and truly, it didn't feel like I was leaving work for a few months I think until this morning! It felt kind of like a dream) - I'm hopeful that it will get better in a few weeks but only time will tell. To be honest - it's overwelming to think about cycling a fresh cycle again - I know it's going to be hard physically and emotionally - I'm just trying to take one day at a time and stay as positive as I can.
Email sent January 5, 2011
Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to let you know - officially January 21st will be my last day in the office at BASES for awhile...I'm taking a few months off (hopefully around 3-4) to try IVF again and work on regaining my life back! (de-stress if you will!) It finally feels real, and I certainly feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest - I actually want to just smile!!
I want to thank you all for your support and I promise to keep you posted over the next few months with how things go!
To answer some of the most popular questions in one email (and Amanda, if you could pass this onto your mom, that would be great - I know you try to keep her in the loop from time to time - I would ask Richard but she wouldn't get as much information - HA!!):
How was your doctor's appointment on Monday?
A: the blood draw on Monday went fine, Dr. Thomas has reported back with most of the results, but not all of them - still awaiting some. Everything is normal thus far (good thing I haven't contracted any STD's over the last 12 months!) I got to spend about 20 or so minutes with my favorite IVF nurse and talk about next steps and applying for the attain IVF program. She is really excited for me to start my next (and possibly last) cycle and I was glad to have everything taken care of - it was nice to just spend some time getting my questions answered.
When do you go back to the doctor?
A: I go back to the doctor on Monday to get a PAP/SIS done - to be compliant & to be able to apply for attain - you have to have those every so many months, and it's time for me to get both. After that appointment, I shouldn't have another one for quite awhile (which will be nice).
When do you start your meds / start your next cycle?
A: I'll probably start the drugs in late Jan/early Feb with the transfer being in late February/early March. I should have a calendar once we apply for the attain IVF (which is the money back guarantee program in case any of you aren't familiar) - the IVF nurse will send me a day-by-day of what I have to do.
How does Attain IVF work?
A: If we get into the program (which isn't a guarantee!), it's 3 fresh (these are the hard one's on my body), 3 frozen, and if none of them work you get 70% of your money back). We will know within the next few weeks if we qualify. We can opt out at anytime - and they can give us our money back at any time - kind of a crazy program! http://www.attainivf.com/
What happens if this cycle doesn't work?
A: Richard & I are trying to take it one cycle at a time. As I've told several of you - you tend to forget the pain of the shots and how much bruising and how much they hurt but the emotional aspect of this journey stays with you - just imagine more and more bags being weighed on my back...it's just like carrying more and more emotional baggage around. Some days are easier than others. Dr. Thomas has suggested surrogacy which we're considering strongly - but we're taking one step at a time and trying to focus on one cycle at a time. I might not talk about this part as much at least for now - so if I avoid questions about it, don't take it personally! :)
How's Richard doing?
A: I love this question when I get it! :) Really good - our relationship is stronger than ever and we're doing really well - surprising enough, the one amazing thing to come out of this IVF journey is the love Richard & I have for one another - I have never loved him more. His constant "we can do this" attitude and his support is amazing at each step along the way. We know this time what we're getting into, so while each cycle has it's challenges, I have never felt more confident in our ability to make this happen!
Is there anything I/we can do? (thank you for even asking!!)
A: Absolutely! Just keep supporting us just like you have for the past years that we've been going through this - ask questions when you want to know more, don't talk about it if you don't want to talk about it - I'm pretty much an open book and willing to share as much as I can (if it's helpful at all!) - I know everyone wishes they could do more, I certainly do too - but your support means the world to us right now!
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