friends

I have been looking forward to Memorial Day for weeks now - Richard was going to be in the parade, and Crystal & Caleb were going to come down for lunch at the firehouse and then watch the parade on Hollman St. in Covington. When I woke up this morning (9:30 AM), I had a text from Richard that said he had been rolled to A1 (ambulance 1) and he wouldn't be in the parade...big bummer!

I called Crystal and told her I'd come up to her place and we could spend the day shopping/hanging out. It was such a fun day of just catching up on our lives (it's been weeks since we've actually had a chance to catch up on things) so it was good to just touch base and try to hash out all of life's ups & downs. We went to Jolly's (similar to the Root Beer Stand), DSW, Tri-County Mall, McDonalds (they gave us bad teas so we went back), Crystal's mom's, McDonald's again (because Flubbs was too crazy), Meijer and finally Pizza Hut to pick up our dinner - all in all, great day together!

We always say "friends are the family we choose for ourselves" and I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for...Crystal is one of those friends who is always there for me, understands there are times when I like to chat, and times when nothing at all says it all. We're both going through some rough patches these days - but the constant of her friendship makes a world of difference. She always gives an honest opinion - asks questions and gives comments when necessary but can also say "Yeah, that really sucks, I don't know how you deal with that" when it's necessary too - she just knows. I guess that's what happens when you have spent so much of your life being friends with someone - you just start to know what the other needs. When I woke up this morning, I just felt like we could both use a day together.

I hope Crystal knows how much her friendship means to me - I try to be as good of a friend as I can and I hope we will look back at this trying time in our lives and think "Wow, that seems like forever ago!" :) We've been friends now for about 10 or so years - it does feel like a lifetime ago that I met her playing Badin Bingo - looking forward to what the next 10 years holds!!

Happy 80th Birthday Grandpa

"I'm not sure how many more birthday's I'm going to make it to" is how Grandpa greeted us yesterday when we arrived at Mark & Dot's out in Versailles. Yep - after 80 years, he just isn't quite sure how much he has left in him (we always say "Grandpa don't say that"). I had called him on his actual birthday (May 24th) and then yesterday we celebrated as a family. It was great to see the family & grandpa was in really good spirits the whole day just smiling whenever I got my camera out!

He told a funny story from when he was little about how he got in trouble for jumping on his parent's bed (my granny and papa) in the Christmas pajamas he was going to get that coming Christmas...he laughed so hard, and Ruth said she remembered that Christmas morning he opened his pajamas and said "Don't worry, they fit!" :) That was the cutest story he told about being younger.

Here are some pictures from the day (the first one is true grandpa because he has a cig in his hand):

This picture is courtesy of dad's camera (his turned out a bit better than mine!)

I love this expression because he was so happy yesterday having the family together.

I'm going to enjoy grandpa as much as I can - I know he's getting old, and I don't know what I'll do when he's not here - I'm glad we got to spend the day together & enjoy his company...if only he would take off that IU hat every now and then (HA!) - he loves it so much!

one day at a time...

As I have previously shared, I fell down the stairs a few weeks ago...my foot is almost completely back to normal (yay!) but still has some pain especially in the morning. The pain from my cyst is still there (I don't expect it to go away anytime soon) so two Thursdays ago, I decided to call the doctor back and get the pain medicine they suggested a few weeks before that. I was a little nervous to take the pain pill - not quite sure why, maybe I was afraid I'd get addicted or something, or wasn't sure what it would do to my system (my system just seems to hate me)...so that Friday (5/13) I took one pain pill in the morning, another one ~5 hours later. About an hour after the second one, I felt like I had a fever and was going to be sick. Getting sick at work is never the goal  - but that's exactly what happened. I woke up the next day and felt worse and tried to keep taking OTC drugs to make it go away but finally broke down the following Tuesday and went to the doctor. Upper respiratory infection they said - take an antibiotic for 10 days, get an allergy shot in my butt and call it a day - wonderful. The Nasonex and Loradatine was working so well for so long - but I swear, a few weeks back in my cube at work and I'm sick again...I swear there is something in our building that makes my allergies go crazy! I took this picture of myself at work to show you EXACTLY how I felt that day...miserable.

The next day - Wednesday - I'm starting to feel a bit better actually when I wake up, but not a ton. I decide to take it easy, get ready for work - then watch a little TV downstairs before leaving for work. Sally didn't want to go out until I got downstairs and got comfortable on the couch. :) I let her out (not 10 minutes) and I kept checking on her and she was standing at the door, tail wagging and everything. When she walked through the door I started crying - I didn't know what she had done but her skin was pulled back and there was a huge red mark where you could see underneath her skin....it was so gross. I ran her upstairs and told Richard to get up as fast as he could (he later told me he thought I was just crying because I didn't feel good) but no - I was worried about Sally!! He called the vet and they only do surgeries on Wed mornings so it was perfect timing - they wanted us to bring her in and see Dr. Heekin before she started surgeries for the day. When Dr. Heekin walked into the room, she goes "Wow, that's really big - what did she do??" (Please note, at this point I felt like I wasn't completely crazy - since the vet thought it was huge! She said sometimes they can just stitch it quickly or from the outside when it's small, but since this was so big - she recommended same-day surgery to get it reconstructed from the inside/outside. My stomach sank - I felt so bad for her - she didn't cry or whine or anything until they put her in a crate in the back of the vet's office...I felt so bad that she had to go through all of it. Richard picked her up that afternoon, then picked me up from work - when I saw how big the scar was, I was disgusted...it was so gross. She is just today starting to really want to pick at it and mess with it - I keep telling her no but I don't think she cares much what I'm saying. She still isn't herself - she's sitting in corners - most recently she went out back and laid down in the very far corner of the yard (I don't think she's ever done that) - this is her before surgery/after surgery/next day pictures - so glad they could take care of it so quickly.
I couldn't really get a great shot of what it really looked like in real life (since the worst part was the vet pulling the skin back :( but I did the best I could) - she kept coming over and leaning up against me...afraid I think of what was going to happen.

 A few things I didn't realize - How much they would shave, how big the scar would be or how groggy she would be/ for how long.

 It took until I came home the next day for her to smile again and greet me with the excitement I have grown used to - she is so sweet and I wish I could make her pain go away. She was so excited for me to be home, it was really sweet because Richard said all day before that she was pretty groggy and didn't really know what to make of the world.

Today was the walk for autism (I probably overdid it by going but that's ok - it was worth it) because I came home not feeling 100% again. I walked with Val (my backyard neighbor) and we had a great time. It was good to see Amanda/Kalysta down there...they are camping this weekend so I was surprised they were coming for it, but I'm so glad they did!

I picked these flowers from our rose bushes today and it is so simple yet pretty - I love all the colors.

These last few weeks have not been my favorite - I've had much better weeks and I've struggled lately with having too much on the calendar. I looked ahead and there are just so many things going on, I have to remember to make time for myself and focus on getting better. I think if my health was 100%, it would be easy to just say "Suck it up and do it - you can sleep when you're dead!" (someone said that in high school and I always remember it!) but when I've been struggling so much emotionally and physically - that's when I have to stop and think about what I'm doing and the choices I'm making. I don't like saying "no" and I certainly don't like letting people down - but I have to remember - I'm in constant pain at this point (with my cyst) and this upper respiratory infection has just made it really frustrating the last week or so to keep a positive outlook on things. I know we have a lot of commitments on the calendar and I'm looking forward to all of them - but I also have to start remember to take weekends to just do nothing - to just sit at home and not do a darn thing (except maybe clean a little bit) :) let's not get crazy...but I do long for just summer days of cooking out with Richard and listening to music on our deck.

If people are wondering about our next round of IVF - it's still going to start July 10th with the Lupron medication - that's the last we've talked with the doctor. I am supposed to go back just for a check-up in June to make sure I'm doing ok (or as well as I can do with a cyst the size of my uterus in my body pulling at my scar tissue!)  I'm really at peace with this next step of the process - I've accepted the fact that I'm going to try once more, and if it doesn't work we are going to move on - we have to, for my sanity. I don't want to go through this again with my body - I just don't have faith or hope that it can do it - ever. I don't like that it's come to that feeling, but that's the best way to describe it - it needs to end, I can't keep going on like this in my life. I have really high hopes for the next stage of the process, whatever that might be - I look forward to one day being a mom - I hope by next Mother's Day I am a mom - whatever way I'm meant to be one!

Next week is going to be crazy - and I'm just hoping it turns out better than expected!

i can't sleep...

Richard went to bed over an hour ago - probably closer to two...I stayed up and watched Fergie on Oprah and then Real World...you have to be really desperate to watch Real World instead of sleep but I'm just not tired. All day I've struggled to keep a smile on my face - my stomach hurts a lot today and I took a pain pill this evening but it's not doing a whole lot...I've been having bad dreams...I am frustrated today. Frustrated for so many reasons I don't even want to get into tonight, but safe to say - it's a lot of different things.

The highlight of the day was going to Bonefish ($5 Bang Bang Shrimp night!) with Melanie, Rob & Abigail after work (I needed that!)! They are truly so sweet and so much fun to be around - we only were together a little over an hour but it was good to laugh, catch up and just relax (the Blue Moon helped!)

I'm still just trying to figure out everything in my life - my job, my infertility, our next steps, my pain that I feel on a constant basis, most recently - my foot that throbs at times, la di da di da dee da and so on...the list goes on & on. I've been keeping a journal since I was little - sometimes I hardly write at all (for months at a time it seems)  but lately I've been better about writing in it so I can keep track of things.

I need to learn to relax...in general. I have a hard time with it - I don't know what it is...even when I was off work for 3 entire months - I struggled to relax...even if I was just watching Modern Family, my mind was still racing...or I was doing laundry, doing my 365 project, writing in my journal etc. You would think I should be good at relaxing by now but the only times I am truly relaxed and feel at peace is when I'm on the beach - and I'm walking along the sand or just sitting by the ocean and can completely let my mind go blank and just focus on the here & now. I'm trying to do that more in real life - not just at the beach (because let's be honest - I can't live sitting at the beach - oh if only I could win the lottery!) - but in every day - when I head into work and sit in traffic, when I struggle with something, when I'm home.

I'll leave you with a picture of this past week - since I'm not posting my 365 project online anymore (it's just too annoying on blogger to do it that way in my opinion) and if you want to see it - I'd rather you see it in real life because it's so much better! I have thought about doing the digital version of the book next year but there's something about having it in hand to look back on that I truly enjoy. Tonight I sat down and just went through the entire first few months of the year and smiled - I love capturing those little moments in life and being able to flip through them anytime I want.

This is from the Derby Party at mom & dad's over the weekend - I love being able to see my sister - I truly miss her more than I can express (we actually skyped for over an hour this week which I needed!) - it's just great we can wear fun hats & have fun together!

{happy 5 year anniversary}

5 years ago today I married my best friend - this was my facebook post today:

Happy Cinco de Mayo Everyone!! 5 years ago today I married the man of my dreams - Richard T McFarland - I am so lucky to have a man in my life who's my rock, my best friend, my support when I need it most and truly makes each year I'm married to him better & better. Thanks Richard for asking me to take your name and loving me unconditionally! I'm proud to call you my husband!

This picture below was one of my favorite wedding pictures (and my Uncle Mark took it!) :) I loved having the firetruck and I was so excited to be marrying Richard.

Things I remember about the day - waking up so excited, getting our hair done, taking pictures & getting ready, walking down the aisle with dad & back up it with Richard (both times were really fast!), our first kiss as husband & wife (and how the preacher mispronouced Richard's name several times) :) and a certain moment at the reception when I looked around and just felt so lucky to have so many friends & family there to support us. By the end of the night, I remember sitting down next to grandma and dad and saying "I'm ready to go - I'm done." Dad said "You're the bride, tell them to stop the music!" HA!

First dance song: Chris LeDoux's "Look at You Girl"
Father/Daughter Dance: Luther Vandross's "Dance with My Father"
Mother/Son Dance: Boyz II Men's "Mama"

Such great memories of our wedding day and I still love looking back at our wedding album - I actually just did a Shutterfly album for our wedding to match my sister's I did - I enjoyed putting it together! I can't believe I'm even more in love today with Richard than I was on our wedding day - we've talked about how each day gets better & it's so nice to have someone be so supportive and loving of anything & everything life has to throw at you!

Happy 5 years Richard!

i fell down the stairs

 May 3, 2011 - 7 AM in the McFarland house...I was getting ready for work, said something to Richard who had let the dog out and headed with an empty laundry basket down the stairs in my house shoes...5 seconds later, I fell down the last 4 steps and my left foot went back and scraped against the stairs causing me to go into what I call a tantrum of screaming and crying and just being in extreme pain! Richard came down to see what was going on (he later told me he couldn't tell if I was laughing or crying - that's how weird the noise sounded that was coming out of my body). I iced it, took ibprofin and elevated it sitting on the couch - waiting until 9AM when urgent care opened. I was the first patient but it still took about an hour - they said the xrays showed that all of my ligaments were still intact and everything looked ok - just a sprain up by where my toes are...when it was all said and done and this is what my foot looked like on day 1:

I didn't know what I was going to do or how I was even going to find a shoe that fit over all of this - so I am currently wearing slippers to work because they fit over this...best $5 black Friday purchase I ever made (and to think I almost didn't get them). When I got to work I was still in quite a bit of pain but having so much work today made me kind of forget about some of my pain! 

May 4, 2011 - Day 2 of my foot being sprained (Sally wanted to make a cameo) - I went to the chiropractor today and they did some electro stim on it - it felt ok and I did a good job icing and taking my meds and everything. At work I have a pretty cool set-up going on - it allows me to keep my foot up all day! This is right when I came home from work today and I took all the stuff off of it to let it breathe for a few minutes - more bruising here (and actually as I type this - it's quite a bit worse even now!) :( The swelling is up and the bruising in MUCH worse! I guess I should've expected that since I just watched Richard go through his ankle issues. I'm hoping that tomorrow it will feel even better (like it did today from yesterday) - and I'll keep doing what they tell me...supposed to keep up on it for 3 days - hopefully it won't be too bad. 

I still can't believe I fell down the stairs - oh well, that'll just make me slow down and hold onto the railing from now on - or at least FOCUS when I'm going down the stairs. And the answer to the question "How did you do that?" is "I have no idea!"

Another day, Another doctor's appointment...

To recap the last few days:

• Friday - sharp pain, lasted a few minutes, stomach felt MUCH better
• Saturday - felt sick to my stomach after dinner
• Sunday - stomach still didn't feel normal but better than Saturday
• Monday - chest pains, hot flashes, stomach hurting more and more, finally called the doctor to leave a message for Dr. Thomas (as I wasn't sure what was wrong but wanted to make sure it wasn't serious)
• Tuesday - finally schedule my appointment for Thursday morning, stomach doesn't hurt as bad as Monday
• Wednesday - worst pain all week consistently throughout the day - was glad I made an appointment with the doctor
• Today - went in for an 8:30 appointment with Dr. Thomas and he said everything looked fine but my cyst had become slightly bigger than last time - but everything from his side looked fine. He asked when our IVF dates were (I told him I start drugs on July 22) and he thought we were starting earlier. Either way, he said I would be fine to start IVF whenever I wanted - ovary might not perform as well on the left side - but that it should be fine. He isn't concerned.

ME on the other hand walked out of the appointment like "Whatever - they can't even help me. I'm in pain and I'm frustrated." Needless to say, the news that I did not want to hear was "Yep, cyst is still there - getting bigger" - but that's what I hear again. This seems like the exact same story as a few months ago because this is exactly what I felt like - I thought it would get better after the surgery, maybe the cutting up of some of the scar tissue would be good for me - but it turns out that Dr. Thomas thinks my cyst could just be pushing and tugging against my scar tissue. He implies that it's everywhere in my stomach - everywhere. He said he just can't believe how much scar tissue I have after a ruptured appendix. He did say he was seeing more patients recently that have had a ruptured appendix in their lives and it causes the same types of problems - well, guess it's good to know there are other people in my exact same boat cursing the doctor's that let me go home with my symptoms telling me I had the flu (if only I had said it was just on my right side...would that have made any difference in their diagnosis?), my surgeron for doing a not great job of my surgery and the countless hours I spent recovering from an operation that I'm still paying for today. I just looked up what an appendix does and this is what it says "Scientists are not sure what the appendix does, if anything" - lovely. Well, mine decided to burst and leave scar tissue over my entire stomach - that's what it does if it does rupture!

This week coming back to work has been crazy - very busy but great to see so many smiling faces smiling back at me! Everyone's enthusiasm in welcoming me back has been overwelming! I even got flowers from Richard on Monday (first day back) and I was shocked. They are still alive and kicking on my desk today & they are beautiful! I love looking at them - I love seeing them when I come back from meetings and it's just a nice touch on my cube! I put pictures up again (thanks Crystal for my cute "Friends" display frame) and everyone commented on that! I've been in such a great mood coming back & it's been great to get back in the swing of things.

Wednesday I went to an adoption meeting at work to just get information and ask questions to some fellow Nielsen people who have been through adoption - it was great information to get and even though we're a few steps away from that stage - it was good to get some information & hear the different experiences people have come across with the adoption process. Apparently adopting in KY has it's own challenges so we have to do some research on our state and what all goes into the adoption process here in the Commonwealth! Hopefully we'll meet monthly to discuss all things adoption - there's so much & it's good to get questions answered so quickly!! That's part of the great thing about working for such a big company - there's someone that's probably been through what you've been through & can answer questions!

Happy Friday Even to everyone out there - I'm looking forward to Friday & then this weekend going up to Columbus to visit my sister with Crystal & Caleb - I miss Corey, so it'll be good to touch base and hopefully get some shopping in sometime!

Last day of sabbatical

First off, Happy Easter today to everyone!! No family celebrations today due to family being spread out, working, other family events etc. but just got back from Red Robin with mom & dad - love that they live so close so we can do things spur of the moment! I think I'll go visit a little bit later today (and also pick up my pictures from Walgreens by them - that way I can be caught up on my 365 project before going back to work tomorrow!)

Happy Anniversary to my sister Corey & her husband Jimmie on 1 year of marriage. I can't believe a year ago today I was standing & watching my only sister get married - what a great day! Corey & I woke up early in our hotel rooms & were texting about what was going on - I thought she wanted some alone time the morning of her wedding but it turns out she wanted someone to go with her to get Dunkin' Donuts and keep too many people from yacking with us in the lobby! :) My matron of honor duties started early! (I wasn't complaining a bit...one thing I've learned with having spent SO much time with Corey for so long, and then her being 2 hours away in Columbus now - I'll take any opportunity to spend just even a few minutes alone with her to chat like sisters do!) Here's that picture we took outside of the hotel that morning - and it's one of my favorites because it's a no makeup, no hair done, not even a shower at this point type of the morning and we just look like we're having so much fun. Great memories like this one, getting our hair done by Jessica, taking pictures, wedding & reception are all just such great memories I'll keep for a lifetime. I can't wait to see where Jimmie & Corey's relationship goes because Richard & I are about to celebrate 5 years this year and it's been better every year for us, and I hope it's the same for them!

I can't believe it's been 3 months off me being off work - it's certainly not how I had planned on spending my time off from work since we haven't even tried IVF for our final time yet - but in this time, we identified a problem cyst, monitored it and I had surgery to drain March 10, 2011. Now that the cyst has come back (and may or may not still be in there), we're still going to wait until July/August to try IVF with me for the final time. I said to Richard the other day - for the first time ever throughout this entire process, I feel that one more try is the right answer - I don't want to keep pounding my head up against the wall - and quite honestly, I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take with my own body / going through IVF. I don't want to get another phone call from the doctor that says "I'm sorry Ashley, it didn't work this time...we did everything we could, and it doesn't make sense to us why it's not working." because that's pretty much what it's sounded like all 3 times I've picked up that phone and one of the doctors has been on the other end of the line. Now every time the doctor's office calls, my stomach sinks just a little bit...I just don't like the feeling of such strong disappointment and sadness. I'm ready to try something else - I'm ready to move on - and I'm ready to look back at the IVF portion of the process and say "I gave it everything I had..." - as long as I can say that, I'll be ok and be able to deal with it and cope in my own time.

This time off work has been amazing - it's allowed me to relax, focus on what's truly important in my life & be ready to start back to work with a fresh perspective on my life. I'm someone that believes everything happens for a reason - and while I'm not sure what the reason is for the past 3 months (or years of trying to conceive), I do know that I'm prepared for whatever life throws at me...I'm ready to handle it head on and I can't wait to see what the future holds. I'm someone who truly believes the best of life is in front of me and I try really hard to appreciate that past yet not let it hold me back. I know we probably could've done things a bit differently (all the way back to my ruptured appendix when I was in college), but dwelling on the past doesn't get us anywhere...we have to focus on what we can do in the here/now.

I'm looking forward to going back to work to see everyone & hopefully pick up where I left off in a way...I'm looking forward to seeing what the next year holds for my career, my life outside of work and for our family. Stay tuned!

Sharp Pain Tonight

Tonight while we were at O'Charley's in Harrison before Charlene's visitation, I had this sharp pain right where my cyst still is and it hurt so bad it brought me to tears. I think I scared Corey, Richard, mom & dad a bit because it came out of nowhere! I stood up with Corey in the lobby for awhile and it got a bit better as time went on. I'm not sure what it was, but maybe it was the cyst rupturing on it's own - that's why it was so sudden & painful! My pain literally went from 0 to 60 in a few seconds and it was something I've never felt before. The pain was in an area that has never hurt before so it scared me a bit. The doctor said the cyst just has clear fluid in it so I'm sure that if it ruptures it will be ok because it'll just get absorbed back into my body but it was quite crazy.

Since I've had this cyst (starting in ~January), it's a dull pain on my right side almost all the time (doctor says it's strange since it's my left ovary but don't even get me started on doctors that say I should hurt in a certain spot and it hurts in another - they don't know) - and I've just become used to it being there. This was totally different. Not sure what it was - but I'm hoping everything is ok in there!

Since I'm blogging about the entire IVF/infertility experience this time around until we have a baby, I want to  make sure to note weird changes or things I might want to look back on and say "When did I have that?" which reminds me...I should write this down in my journal before I forget!

Never a dull moment around here...good grief!

Wordless Wednesday